Pop open a few bottles of Rubinoff this Sunday, because you’re gonna need them. ALL OF THEM. Yes, the Grammys are airing again on CBS, so you can expect the same level of entertainment you’ve come to expect from the network that brings you Two and a Half Men and 2 Broke Girls. And by that I mean the same quality entertainment you get when you take a dump and look at it after.
This year, “Music’s Biggest Night” is hosted by the ever-relevant LL Cool J. What, was Doug E. Fresh not available to host this mess? While I know I’ll probably wander away to my nearest Acapulco about 20 minutes into the show, here are the rules for all of you playing at home.
Take a drink:
- To Katy Perry’s boobs
- Someone is at the Grammys who does not belong at the Grammys
- To Taylor Swift’s squinty-eyed bullshit “aww shucks” false humility
- When an artist is placed in the wrong category, ie an established artist in Best New Artist, pop group in Best Alternative, etc.
- A presenter is wasted
- Rihanna is trying too hard
- "I had no idea ______ was still making music!"
- Frank Ocean wins an award. Hahaha fuck you, Chris Brown!
- Someone is still trying to make dubstep happen
- This speech is BORING
- Someone makes a groan-worthy “Call Me Maybe” joke
- A performer digs up an elderly legend for a cameo; it is underwhelming
Take a shot:
- Mumford & Sons are all wearing vests
- A backup dancer accidentally exposes a glimmer of taint
- If Fiona Apple wins for “The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than The Driver Of The Screw And Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do.” It’s ramblin’ crazy time!
Chug wine and do a little dance:
- The lead singer of Fun loses his voice. Oh a girl can dream!
- It’s the return of Soy Bomb! Again, a girl can dream…
More drinking games soon (I hope)
Hey friends! I’ve gained a lot of followers since my hiatus after Girls, and I hope to get things running again soon because this would make a great coffee table book for people to puke on. BUT I don’t have cable, so bear with me. I’m using someone else’s Hulu Plus and hopefully that will catch me up to speed. Perhaps some games for Kitchen Nightmares, Ben & Kate and Nashville are on the horizon. Or maybe I should start a “Get Ashley Cable” Kickstarter? Probably not… I’d spend the money on Boone’s Farm. Who am I kidding? Mmmm… Strawberry Hill.
Until then, laugh at my teenage misfortunes here: www.tumblr.com/blog/myteenlivejournal
Material is running out there. My Teenage Live Journal was only so long, but it’s gold. Like Cinderella the band said: “You don’t know what you got (till it’s gone).” Nostalgia.
Am I a little bitter that Lena Dunham is my age and writing, directing and starring in her own HBO series while I drink $2 wine alone and write Tumblr blogs? Absolutely. But she’s super-talented and I LOVE THIS SHOW. It’s (mostly) real and relatable to twenty-somethings in a way that no other show has been able to capture, even in these strange times when I’m suddenly a viewer the networks want. Here’s a drinking game for Girls — cheers to Lena!
Take a drink:
- Hannah isn’t wearing pants
- Hannah’s boyfriend Adam does something… unsavory
- Fuck it, let’s do this — drink to Adam’s bare chest!
- Hannah has an awkward encounter with an employer
- Marnie cries
- Marnie is disappointed in Hannah
- Shoshanna mentions (AGAIN) that she’s a virgin
- Someone whines about parents not supporting their NYC lifestyle
- The boys just don’t “get” the girls
- Jessa is so wild and free!
- Hannah reminds you that she is a writer and an artist, ok?!
- When you can’t help but cringe…
Take a shot:
- To unsafe sex!
- Then again when someone has a gynecological problem
- Sex and the City reference
- Hannah quits a job
- When Jessa bangs the Dad she babysits for… we all know it’s coming
I have a love-hate relationship with New Girl. On one hand, the writing has improved since the beginning and I genuinely enjoy the show most of the time. On the other hand, people ask me about it a lot. “A girl moves with three guys in LA after the demise of a relationship. Oh my God, it’s like your life!*”
*my life up until two months ago.
Answer: NO. Their apartment is too clean. They don’t live off of other people’s leftovers, abandoned in fridges at their various office day jobs. No one vomits in their shower. The girl is the one who brings in the strange street furniture. There are no dirty dishes. This is not real life.
Another comparison I get is as a “quirky girl.” Once, someone drunk even went as far as to call me a “manic pixie dream girl.” Not sure where that came from, although “manic girl” I get.
Game time. Warning: this one isn’t for newbies. It’s like 1,000 Ways to Die all over again…
Take a drink:
- Jess sings while speaking
- Jess says something in a funny voice
- Schmidt says something douche jar-worthy (i.e. talks about models, sex, wearing loafers).
- Jess can’t say a dirty word
- Jess tries to apply kindergarten teaching methods to adult life
- They’re hanging out in their weird locker room-style bathroom
- It’s cupcake time!
- Winston reminisces about his Eastern European basketball days
- Nick gets pissed at Jess: “Jess, you can’t just do that!” Ohhh, Jess!
- To quirky props
Take a shot:
- To deal with that theme song
- FAT SCHMIDT FLASHBACK!
- Ugh, Caroline is back
- When Jess and Nick finally hook-up.
Notes from Paleyfest: Mad Men
Happy St. Patty’s Day, my little Drunkerdoodles! It’s a rare crappy day in Los Angeles, so I’ll have to drink my green beers indoors today. I don’t like venturing out to bars on holidays like this anyway - I can’t handle the amateurs… or the bad music. U2 isn’t the only Irish band there is, doofuses. Thin Lizzy. Duh.
As promised, I went to the Mad Men panel at Paleyfest on Tuesday. Had to go back to that horrible Beverly Hills place, but it was worth it to be in the same room as Jon Hamm. Dreamy. I was not allowed to hug him - in fact, I was relegated to the rear balcony due to a little thing called a “restraining order” - but it’s only a matter of time, Hamm.
The cast couldn’t say much about Season 5 (which kicks off next Sunday, March 25, by the way). They screened last season’s finale and spent most of the panel discussing that episode, which aired in 2010. Since the cast just wrapped shooting the new season, that wasn’t the freshest topic in their minds.
Here are my notes and observations, lovelies:
- Matthew Weiner had a lot to say without really giving us any new info. I get the impression he runs a tight ship. That really protects the quality and integrity of this great show, but makes for a boring panel discussion. Really, nothing about Season 5? Come on!
- Jon Hamm is HOT. Oh and he had one spoiler slip-up: after last season’s spontaneous proposal, Don and his secretary Megan actually make it to the altar.
- January Jones certainly doesn’t come off as warm and friendly, and I get the sense she and Hamm aren’t pals. However, I will continue to defend her acting. I really think she’s great as Don’s bitter, conflicted ice queen ex-wife. Debate away.
- And the Dakota Fanning Award goes to… 12-year-old Kiernan Shipka, who plays little Sally Draper. Believe it or not, she was the most articulate and sharp cast member, discussing the complexity of her character in detail. Totally adorbs, totally AWESOME. No way this girl is going the way of the Lohan in four years.
- The panel could have benefitted from another actress. Christina Hendricks, Elisabeth Moss, Jessica Pare or Cara Buono would have been a welcome addition. Like a ’60s ad agency, this was kind of a boys’ club.
- Least like his character: Vincent Kartheiser (Pete Campbell), who looks like he belongs on the Venice boardwalk.
- Minus the leads and the 12-year-old, this cast seemed to be the most under the influence of all I saw Paleyfest. This means I want to hang out with them the most. Cheers!
Parks & Recreation
Parks & Rec (now in its fourth season) just keeps getting better, mostly because its characters aren’t stagnant, one-dimensional bores. We’ve seen Leslie grow from each of her relationships, while April has evolved from sarcastic teen to slightly-less-sarcastic married woman. We’ve learned more about Ron and seen his friendship with Leslie grow, while Ann and Traeger have been forced to cope with rejection that usually evades such good-looking people. Meanwhile Andy is at least trying to mature, and Tom… well Tom will always be Tom, but now we see more of the vulnerability underneath that swag.
My point is things change on this show, and as absurd as things can get in Pawnee, the way these characters interact and evolve keeps it grounded. I like it. Let’s drink to the best comedy on television!
Take a drink:
- Leslie is bingeing on whipped cream
- Ron needs more eggs and/or bacon. ALL OF IT.
- Tom bestows someone with a bad, unwanted nickname
- "Knope We Can!"
- Out-of-towner shits on Pawnee
- Dammit, Jerry!
- Chris Traeger says “literally”
- April smirks at the camera
- Tom and Ann break up
- Tom and Ann are back together
- It’s Champion the three-legged dog!
- Inappropriate Town Hall artwork
- Leslie talks about Ann’s prettiness
- Awww a touching moment between Leslie and Ben.
- People are outraged at the public forum
- The gang ends up at the Bulge
- The gang ends up at the Glitter Factory
Take a shot:
- Jean-Ralphio is in the house!
- Ben tries to make calzones happen (“The Low-Cal Calzone Zone”)
- Leslie is drunk
- Andy gets hurt
- A Tammy is back to terrorize Ron
Pour one out:
Exhaustive Notes from Paleyfest
The cast of Community at Paleyfest 2012
I do more than drink at home with my TV and laptop, dear readers (all three of you) - sometimes I venture out into the harsh, real world, because sometimes you just need to stop being polite and start getting real. I’ve spent much of the last week at the Saban Theatre in Beverly Hills for Paleyfest. I will tell you all about it after this side rant.
Beverly Hills is a cesspool of materialism, shitty architecture and plastic surgery nightmares. Even Chris Traeger would agree, it is “literally” the worst. That being said, I have a strong appreciation for their “housewives” (see below post).
Anyway, I was lucky enough to attend the panels for American Horror Story, Community, New Girl and Parks & Recreation. I’m also going to Mad Men, but that’s next week. These are my notes so far:
AMERICAN HORROR STORY
- A lot of your favorite actors on American Horror Story will be coming back, just as different characters. Next season is a totally new haunting, on the East Coast.
- This show is even awesomer and creepier when you watch it on the big screen with other people. If I ever see Tate on the street, I will probably scream and run. (Same with Anthony Hopkins.)
- I think Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott totally did it. Probably in the Rubber Man costumes.
- McDermott is my dad’s age, but… I would. He’s ridiculously good-looking in person.
- Which brings me to this point: Jessica Lange looks better in person. Maybe she ODs on botox for shooting?
- There was an audience member who dressed up in drag like Constance and asked Ms. Lange a question. He is my hero.
- Ryan Murphy reminds me of John Malkovich.
- This was the most packed panel of the four I’ve attended. They opened up the rear balcony for more seating and it was really, really difficult to park. Kind of says something about this show and its fans… PAY ATTENTION, NBC!
- Gillian Jacobs: “NBC Britta’d it.” True. Also, her name is pronounced “GILL-ian,” not like Jillian - get it right. Don’t Britta it.
- I want to be BFFs with Gillian Jacobs, Allison Brie and Zooey Deschanel and have slumber parties with Britney Spears at her pink mansion and drink pink cocktails, eat Magnolia cupcakes and talk about boys.
- Dan Harmon seems like the coolest boss. There was a great “oh no he didn’t!” moment where he took a jab at Alexander Payne.
- Dean Pelton has an Oscar! And he brought it with him. Oscars are shiny.
- They screened the show’s triumphant return, “Urban Matrimony and the Sandwich Arts.” It’s one of the best episodes.
- Liz Meriwhether is either very awkward or tries very hard to appear as awkward. My friend and I are at odds as to whether it’s an act or not.
- Zooey! She barely sang and came off as smart and competent, which is why I keep inviting her to my imaginary sleepover parties.
- They opened the event with a clip of a blonde Zooey and Matthew Morrison in Once Upon a Mattress. That phrase kind of sums up my sex life: “once, upon a mattress.”
- Jake Johnson (Nick) is an awesome dancer… NOT.
- They brought out the Douche Jar. Max Greenfield (Schmidt) was the biggest contributor.
- When they screened the new episode “Injured,” I realized the New Girl gang travels around LA more than anyone I know in this lazy city. If you live in DTLA, you’re not going all the way to Cheviot Hills to play football. No one does that.
- I left early to get tacos. It’s such a new show, they ran out of things to say.
PARKS & RECREATION
- This panel replaced The Office at the last minute, so only Amy Poehler, Chris Pratt, Retta and Jim O’Heir were able to make it from the cast. Nick Offerman - RON MUTHAFUCKIN’ SWANSON - tried to get there in time from a Burbank shoot, but alas, it was impossible. Champion also had other commitments. The rest of the cast was represented by cardboard cutouts.
- Funniest guy not in the room: Adam Scott, who masterminded Philly Justice, a scheme devised around press shots for a 2003 fake pilot “introducing Paul Rudd” and allegedly starring Parks & Rec cast members. He even created a back story: Rudd was then replaced by Dylan McDermott, who was then replaced by Dermot Mulroney.
- Amy Poehler isn’t the only cast member gifted at improv - so is Chris Pratt. He also does his own stunts.
- In real life, Jerry Gergich is younger than Dylan McDermott! No offense, but what went wrong there?
- Jean-Ralphio will be back!
- The blooper reel was really fucking funny. So much so, they advised parents to take “young people under the age of 40” out of the room.
- This is my favorite show on television.
If you read all that, congratulations - you have an attention span in the top percentile of Americans. Stay tuned for drinking games of all these shows, plus a recap of when I try to get a lingering hug from Jon Hamm.
The 84th Annual Academy Awards!
I’m usually not one for self-congratulating Hollywood fanfare, but every year I make an exception for the Oscars. The Globes are dumb, the MTV award shows even dumber, and don’t get me started on that People’s Choice nonsense. But with the Oscars, shit gets real. These at least kind of matter, at least more so than other awards. Plus I really enjoy crushing everyone in my Oscar pool.
I’m running out of time before the big ceremony, so let’s get started, shall we?
Take a drink:
- Winner thanks God
- Winner thanks Harvey
- An actress is wearing a plunging neckline for attention
- Someone mentions “The Artist” and it’s about either 1) the people who made it are French! or 2) it’s a silent movie in 2012! How outrageous. (This will probably cover any mention of “The Artist.”)
- Music plays someone off the stage
- A winner pulls out his/her speech and pretends they didn’t know they were going to win
- Rooney Mara actually smiles
- Billy Crystal makes a stale, friendly joke about Meryl Streep or George Clooney
- Someone trips on their way to the podium
Take a shot:
- Someone doesn’t show up to accept their award.
- Someone wins because they’re old.
- Who let Sasha Baron Cohen in here?! Awesome.
- It’s Uggie! I really hope they let Uggie in.
- "The Artist" doesn’t win Best Picture.
Alex Trebek would be my second choice for a dad, ranking behind my real dad and slightly ahead of Ernest or Julio Gallo. Yes, he would rank above a purveyor of fine wines like Carlo Rossi and Andre because homeboy is a genius: he knows the answer before anyone even asks the question! Pretty badass, even if he is Canadian.
It’s been a lifelong dream of mine to be on Jeopardy. I completed the online test last month and I’m STILL waiting for my audition. Producers better get it together because the clock is ticking - a few more months of these TV drinking game shenanigans and I may not have enough brain left to compete. I’ll take “Drunk Bloggers” for $1000, Alex.
On to the game! Just keep it classy, ok? This isn’t Wheel of Fortune.
Take a drink:
- "This… is… Jeopardy!"
- Contestant spirals into negative points
- The Clue Crew drops by with a video question
- Awkward contestant tells a really terrible “about me” story
- Audience laughs at terrible “about me” story even though it isn’t funny
- It’s time for Double Jeopardy
- Alex takes back points because the judges screwed up
- The category is: “Before & After.” I love “Before & After”!
- Some egghead can’t answer a really easy pop culture question
- Unintelligible answer to Final Jeopardy
Take a shot:
- The category is: Potpourri (what does that even mean?!)
- Ken Jennings name drop
- Fuck yeah - the contestant’s going to make this a true Daily Double!
- Some dummy is ineligible for Final Jeopardy
- Accidental inappropriate answer (i.e. "What is a donkey punch?"; "What is Pussy Furry?")
1,000 Ways to Die
Back in Boston, the bar my ex frequented would have on 1,000 Ways to Die when there wasn’t a big game to watch. In going to meet up with his drunk ass every evening, I realized that this show - much like their Erotic Photo Hunt game - is addictive and kind of amazing. I’d grab a beer and stick around, trying to guess what would happen to the poor harmonica-playing dwarf (he choked on his harmonica) or the girl addicted to tanning (she fell asleep in a tanning bed and burned to death). And I guessed right 99.9% of the time! It’s pretty obvious where these things are going.
I’m still not convinced this show is for real, so I don’t feel bad drinking to someone’s brutal demise. I’ve kept this game short and sweet, because most of these things happen in every segment.
Take a drink:
- Bad pun
- Scantily clad female
- "Expert" has a bizarre, extremely specific title you’ve never heard before
- Well look at that, it’s another misogynist biker
- A person dies who should never have been born in the first place (Darwin Award winner)
Take a shot:
- Someone puts something up their butt that they shouldn’t